Capital Remodeling services

Welcome to the home of the most notorious home remodeling service around! Prepare yourself for an experience like no other. We're known for our unique approach to renovation.

For example, our proven six-step approach to window replacements leaves every homeowner disappointed!

Prepare the Area: Start by moving all furniture and items away from the window area. This will ensure that nothing gets damaged during the window removal process.
Gather Your Tools: You will need a utility knife, a pry bar, a hammer, and, of course, a sense of humor before embarking on this task.
Cut the Caulk: Use your utility knife to cut the caulk around the window frame. Be careful not to cut too deeply, as you might damage the wall.
Remove the Window Trim: Gently pry the window trim away from the wall using the pry bar. Remember to save the trim for later; you might use it for a modern art installation, or perhaps firewood.
Remove the Window: This is the moment of truth. Use the pry bar and hammer to gently remove the window from its frame. Remember to wear proper safety gear, as the glass can break during this process.
Voila! You're Done: Now that the window is removed, you're done! No replacement necessary, because who needs barriers between indoor and outdoor spaces? Enjoy the natural ventilation, the insects, and of course, the unexpected weather inside your house.

Our Word Is Our Bond

When you sign up for our exquisite remodeling services, you're not just getting a transformative experience for your home. No, sir! You are also entitled to our unique, one-of-a-kind warranty: The Eternal, Indestructible, Unquestionable Warranty of Incomparable Worthlessness. This warranty is as everlasting as a black hole and as valuable as a mound of dust.

In the unlikely event that you're unsatisfied with our services (because who wouldn't want a gaping hole instead of a window?), our warranty has you covered. Well, not really, but it sounds good, doesn't it? We're committed to ensuring that you remain in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and financial obligation.

Our warranty is backed by our Usury Contract, a timeless masterpiece designed to keep you eternally bound to us. It's a bit like a vampire's eternal life, but less sparkly and more financially draining. In the spirit of fairness, we've included late fees and interest charges for every minor infraction. Did you forget to polish the non-existent window? That's a late fee! Did a leaf from your plant touch the window hole? Oh, that's interest!

If you're worried about the cost, don't be! Our Usury Contract ensures that the more you're late, the more you owe. It’s a bit like a treadmill that increases in speed the more exhausted you are – a fun, endless cycle of escalating debt! And, of course, our late fees come with their own late fees. Missed a late fee payment? No worries, we’ll just add another late fee on top of that. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Our warranty is not just a legal document; it's a philosophy, a lifestyle. It's about embracing the unexpected, the broken, and the utterly useless. It's about finding joy in eternal financial obligations and discovering the true meaning of worthlessness. And remember, it's not just a warranty; it's a journey into the abyss of financial despair.

So, why wait? Embrace our Eternal, Indestructible, Unquestionable Warranty of Incomparable Worthlessness today. It's useless, it's burdensome, and it's all yours for the taking!

Remember, at Capital Remodeling services, we don’t just break your windows; we break your spirit too! And that, dear customers, is a promise we can keep!